Hesitancy

I loathe the days I am so downhearted regarding the things that happen around me. I loathe the feeling of unworthiness that slowly, quietly, unexpectedly creeps through my mind, feeds the demons I have already told you about and proceeds to travel down into the very depths of my soul. I loathe that I want to write, I want to splash bottles of ink on hundreds of pages, telling the world how I feel. I want people to feel moved and find themselves in my words. I open WordPress. I open the “new blog” tab. Anxious thoughts hit my mind and rage bursts through to my fingers, making me clutch my phone harder and harder. Demons yelling in my mind: “you have nothing to write”, “you have no inspiration”, “you won’t write anything interesting”. I chose to extinguish them. I chose to open WordPress and write exactly what they are yelling at me. I chose to put it all down, just so I can realize how absurd it would be to listen to what they’re saying, to accept the fact that they are putting me down. Today was a day I decided to confront them. Today I was strong enough to do that. I was strong enough to progress. But it’s not always like that. Sometimes I am too terribly worn out to fight. Too downcast to hold onto my positivity. But it’s fine. I accept those terrible days, just as I cherish the good ones. Because if it weren’t for the bad days, I wouldn’t be able to feel the difference, to appreciate and love the good ones for what they really are. A blessing.

A gloomier photo than others, but still with a story worth telling.

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