Rush

Seeing you now,

after so long,

is like

crossing the street and a car

not stopping slowly

to let you cross,

but hitting the brakes just before

reaching you.

Spine-chilling,

nerve-wracking rush of

adrenaline.

But somehow

the feeling,

that feeling of bewilderment

Is addictive.

Just like you.

Tired eyes, lit up soul

Have you ever been in love? Have you ever felt your stomach tumbling around just from the sight of someone? Have you ever been consumed with a certain name, a certain person and their actions? Love seems an amazing phenomenon, but theoretically, it’s just a series of chemical reactions in the brain. But, surely, it has to be more than that? I don’t want to believe this world is just that, black and white. I want to believe in energies, in horoscopes, in meditation and the power of the mind… I want to believe in love. I want to stop focusing on all the things that “need to be done” and just… love. And meditate. And read people’s stories of when they encountered a ghost or an angel. I want to read the wonderful tellings of people who’ve talked to God, who have seen mysterious happenings, who’ve been witnesses to miracles. I wish I was one of them. I want to be awakened to the fact that it isn’t all black and white and scientific. I want to give my life a new meaning, to focus on discovering the fascinating things hiding below the surface, that only few have access to. I think this is all done through love. Love for God, love for people, love for the Earth, love for life. Love doesn’t just mean loving your soulmate. Although I’m totally and utterly in love and have been for a few years, I still have lots of love left for the unkown. It’s beautiful to love. I’m a very sensitive person, I can’t live without giving and receiving love, warmth and care. I love to love him. It’s such a wierd thing to always think about one person, to be able to make exceptions for that person, to always want to help them and just give them unconditional love so they feel special. I wouldn’t give him for the world. I love the fact that he’s been by my side even when my acne was terrible, when I was slightly overweight, when I was crying my eyes out and screaming. He’s always been there and he’s always told me I’m the most beautiful person he’s ever met. We complement each other so well and I can’t even describe my feelings. It may sound lame and totally overrated, but love is amazing. Love is elegant. It’s infinitely more wonderful to explore the unknown with this sort of person by your side. I wish you all happiness!

Upside down frown

Like any human being, I have days when I feel everything crumbling around me, when everything seems so dark and gloomy and negative thoughts haunt my mind. But other days are just so fulfilling, so energizing, so amazing that the only thing they trigger are a flood of beautiful emotions, hope and love. I live for those days, just as I live for the people that mean most to me and the ones I love the most. A few bad days are worth living through for the breath-taking emotions that follow. Because if it weren’t for the bad days, you wouldn’t be as grateful for the good ones. Negativity is necessary for realizing that good exists. So live through the bad days, embrace them, learn from them, remember them, but never get caught up in them. Never remain in the dark sphere of your mind and let pessimistic thoughts consume you. Love all you are and all you are given.

Overconsumption

Breathe. Rest. Control your thoughts. Free your mind. Love. Live. Laugh. A few scientific recommendations that we are given for a happy life. We see this advice on social media, blogs and in books. It seems so facile, you couldn’t even doubt the fact that it doesn’t always work. I mean, how hard can it be to free your mind from dark, dark places? I’ll tell you. It’s terribly difficult. It tires you. It exhausts you. It nearly finishes you. That is if you’re so sensitive, you start crying when someone you love changes their tone of voice. If you’re so sensitive that you feel torn down when something goes wrong. I wish I could be like others, that can sleep their thoughts away. I can’t even sleep if something is bothering me. It’s so difficult to keep a smile on your face, to be okay, to not take everything to heart. Especially other people’s actions. I’m trying to not let myself get blown away into the dangerous zone of overconsumption, but I’m so light. My soul is too light, too full of love, so free of hate, too kind and tender-hearted, too forgiving. It is not healthy to be so light at soul, to not see negative in others, to not want to see the negative in others, to ignore it completely, just for the sake of not being hurt. I feel lost.

An overthinking dreamer

Anyone who knows me well enough to be able to express their opinion about me, knows all to well that my overthinking capacities are overwhelming, even though I don’t show it. The intrusive thoughts when panic gradually makes its way up from my stomach to my chest to my mind and back again are something I am working on trying to smother. It’s usually a matter of being afraid of ruining all my hard work up until a certain point and when I lose control of a situation, I panic and terrible thoughts of unpleasant events overcrowd my mind. I’ll even give an understandable account of one such event. My parents mean the world to me and all my teenage years have been spent trying to grow as close to them as possible and having more of a friendly relationship than a strict parent-child one. So much hard work has been put into this on my part that when I once disappointed them, I felt as though everything had been ruined and was irreparably damaged. Sitting on my bed, motionless, demons were on my shoulder, fiendishly whispering how I’ll never be allowed out again, how I’ll never be trusted, how awful of a daughter I proved to be. Tears pricked my eyes and I felt afraid, even though I didn’t have a reason to. I wasn’t in danger, I wasn’t alone, I wasn’t hurt, I wasn’t in a dark alley with a serial killer behind me. After 5 minutes, my father came and called me to eat dinner and surprisingly, everything was perfectly fine. I truthfully loathed the fact that I had wasted precious minutes of my life overthinking, when I could have taken a deep breath, told nyself it would be okay and read a good book. I mentioned “dreamer” in my title for a reason. To clearly state a fact. Imagine you like someone. You daydream, overthinking all the possibilities of you two talking, going out, seeing each other. Most of the times, it takes a while to get to that point or it never ever gets there at all. That’s disappointment. Overthinking dreamer. Cruel, heartless, ruthless disappointment. Overthinking means disappointment, amongst many other things. Being more aware of myself, of my feelings has been a tough game. I’ve worked on this so hard, that again, I feel disappointed when I’m confused and can’t distinguish one feeling from the other. But that’s the worst thing I could do to help myself. I should be proud that, unlike the vast majority, I acknowledge what I feel so well. That I can make proper decisions for myself and for my well-being. It’s a heavy-duty task, but I’m on the right tracks to achieving my goal. Positivity is the key. Self-awareness is, in my opinion, a life-saver.

April 2019, memories from a beautiful art gallery ⏳

Hesitancy

I loathe the days I am so downhearted regarding the things that happen around me. I loathe the feeling of unworthiness that slowly, quietly, unexpectedly creeps through my mind, feeds the demons I have already told you about and proceeds to travel down into the very depths of my soul. I loathe that I want to write, I want to splash bottles of ink on hundreds of pages, telling the world how I feel. I want people to feel moved and find themselves in my words. I open WordPress. I open the “new blog” tab. Anxious thoughts hit my mind and rage bursts through to my fingers, making me clutch my phone harder and harder. Demons yelling in my mind: “you have nothing to write”, “you have no inspiration”, “you won’t write anything interesting”. I chose to extinguish them. I chose to open WordPress and write exactly what they are yelling at me. I chose to put it all down, just so I can realize how absurd it would be to listen to what they’re saying, to accept the fact that they are putting me down. Today was a day I decided to confront them. Today I was strong enough to do that. I was strong enough to progress. But it’s not always like that. Sometimes I am too terribly worn out to fight. Too downcast to hold onto my positivity. But it’s fine. I accept those terrible days, just as I cherish the good ones. Because if it weren’t for the bad days, I wouldn’t be able to feel the difference, to appreciate and love the good ones for what they really are. A blessing.

A gloomier photo than others, but still with a story worth telling.

Demons on one shoulder, Angels on the other

I’m at a point in my teenage years, a point where I realize it’s exhausting to consistently stay positive, to always be bright, with a sincere smile on my face. It is exhausting to always perceive the glass as “half full”, not “half empty”, to always retell only the fun parts of your day, to unfailingly demonstrate and act as though your mind is in a state of pure bliss. The mental strength I had built up over the years, captured beautifully from amazing books and wonderfully wise people, was never enough to help the anxiety present inside my mind. It’s a tender age, it’s facile to let negativity control you, it’s a strenuous task to overcome it. All of us are in the hands of a demon..or an angel. It is our choice who we choose to listen to and who we choose to let take control. You may be thinking “without doubt the angel should take control”. NO! YOU should take control of yourself. We tend to rely on others for happiness, but no one will ever make you truly happy if you can’t make yourself happy first. You will be hurt. You will be disappointed. You will tear yourself down. You will become so consumed by others’ actions, that you will be oblivious to your hobbies and past-times. Other people only make the demons in your mind reproduce themselves, they will feed them, without even meaning to. Your job is to smother the demons, to stamp on them, to not give them the power to control your world and affect it unrepairably. Go out with your friends. Do that thing you’ve always wanted to. Read a great book. Watch a Disney movie. Eat a burger with fries. Stop procrastinating. Go to Greece. Visit your parents. Call an old flame. Buy a dog. Watch a sunrise. Savour a sunset. Just through this small amount of motivation I have transmitted onto you, demons have been killed. Angels have risen.

Is it just fantasy?